


Simon the Plant Killer

by fandomlimb



Series: Carry On Countdown 2017 [2]
Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Carry On Countdown 2017, M/M, text message fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 08:50:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12837630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomlimb/pseuds/fandomlimb
Summary: Carry On Countdown Day #2- Social MediaTakes place post-Watford. Simon is a terrible plant parent.





	Simon the Plant Killer

**Simon:**  Babe….

 **Baz:**  What’s up?

 **Simon:** I have something to show you and I don’t think you’re going to like it.   
Please don’t hate me?

 **Baz:** …  
Is this going to be worse than the time that you pushed me into the moat and almost let the merwolves tear me to itty bitty fishfood?

 **Simon:** Hah. Good times. No.

 **Baz:** Worse than you breaking my nose?

 **Simon:** Def no.

 **Baz:** Then spit it out I’ve got to study for exams.

 **Simon:** I’m sorry I don’t know what happened to it.

  
**Baz:** Oh dear. Wow. Well…that wasn’t what I was expecting.  
Jesus I’m more alive than that thing.

 **Simon:** Don’t joke! It was your housewarming present and now it’s just the saddest thing on the planet. I swear it wasn’t like that a few days ago!!

 **Baz:** In a way it’s kind of poetic.

**Simon:** **  
**

**Baz:** Did you order some numpties to kidnap it and stick it in a sunless coffin for a whole month?

 **Simon:** Haha. Don’t even joke about that!! Fucking numpty bastards. 

 **Baz:** Or did you forget to water it?   
For like….six straight weeks? 

 **Simon:** Ugh. Penny and I made a chore chart for the flat and I guess there was a miscommunication about the plant watering duties….Is there anything I can do to save it???

 **Baz:** Um…no. Best to burn it at the stake. Or send it off on a Viking funeral.

 **Simon:** I’m so sorry.

 **Baz:** Snow. It’s a plant. 

 **Simon:** I know…but it was like a metaphorical plant. How is it that Watford taught us a whole three courses on magickal botany but failed to cover the basics of how to keep a measly houseplant alive?

 **Baz:** Dunno. Take it up with Penny’s mum. Lodge a formal complaint. Join the Watford PTA (Plant Terrorizer Association).

 **Simon:** Hmmph

 **Baz:** Honestly it’s no big deal.   
There will always be more plants for you to kill.   
How did your skype appointment go today?

 **Simon:** Meh. Okay.

 **Baz:** Just okay?

 **Simon:** No it was good. 

 **Baz:** Good.Shall I come round after my classes and shift at the library are done?

 **Simon:** Please do.  
Penny and I are going Xmas tree shopping but we’ll be home not too late.

 **Baz:** Okay love. See you tonight.

**Simon:**

**Baz:** You are a ridiculous creature.

 **Simon:** Yes and you love it.

 **Baz:** <3

_Four hours later…._

**Simon:** So in light of today’s events Penny and I opted for artifish this year

 **Baz:** Art a what?

 **Simon:** Artifish  
Short for artificial?

 **Baz:** What are you even talking about?

 **Simon:** Our tree!  
Ta-da

**Baz:** That was probably the right move.  
And artifish is in no way a word.

 **Simon:** Guess what our tree reminds me of….  
All pale and sparkly and emotionally withholding like.

 **Baz:** Don’t even think of sending me that godforsaken gif.

**Simon:**

What you don’t see the similarity?  
I’m naming our tree Eddie.

 **Baz:** I hate you.

 **Simon:** <3

_A few days later…_

**Simon:  
** Please help me. How did this happen???  
Aren’t succulents supposed to be basically unkillable?

**Baz:**

  
Yes, all succulents are immortal. Like Thor.

 **Simon:**  I used the spray bottle on them and everything.

 **Baz:** Weren’t you keeping them on the ledge by the radiator?

 **Simon:** Yeah…

 **Baz:** Well they turned the heat on in the flat didn’t they?   
That means bake time for your little friends.

 **Simon:** Jeez. Now I feel like a knob.

 **Baz:** We might be able to resuscitate them. Or very not.

 _The next morning…_  
  
**Simon:** So funny story…I wake up this morning all ready to kiss my bf goodbye before he has to go to class and instead I find this strange foreign object on my pillow.

 **Baz:** This does sound like a good story.

 **Simon:** Please explain yourself.

  
**Baz:** It’s an early Christmas present for you.

 **Simon:**  Where on earth did you get it?

 **Baz:** I knit it, obvs

 **Simon:** You didn’t????

 **Baz:** Of course I didn’t  
I try to stay away from long lethal objects like stakes and knitting needles remember?  
There was a little craft sale at the student center.

 **Simon:** And it’s for me?

 **Baz:** No it’s for your landlady.  
Yes it’s for you!  
I figured we’ll start you on cuddly cacti then move on to real ones and maybe succulents if you’re very very good and don’t manage to murder them all by Valentine’s Day.

 **Simon:** I love it. Thank you.  
****

**Baz:** Happy early Xmas.  
Do try not to kill any more plants today if you can help it.

**  
Simon:**


End file.
